


Paquerette

by SquishyRogue



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, I honestly have no idea, idk it'll all come out in the wash, loads of spoilers ngl, succeed where others didn't, this pairing will probably kill me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:15:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 8,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22579969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquishyRogue/pseuds/SquishyRogue
Summary: Mighty Nein/Widojest drabbles from my challenge group
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I apologise in advance. This is going to be a mess but it's going to be _mostly_ Widojest drabbles of less than 500 words. I'm up-to-date so there may be some spoilers but they will be in chapter notes. If it's an episode you haven't seen yet tread carefully. Canon compliant or canon sympathetic most likely.
> 
> Title from the song of the same name by With Confidence.

_ I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else _ _  
_ _ But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself _ _  
_ _ And you and me walk on, walk on, walk on _ __  
_ Cause you can't go back now _ __  
- **The Weepies “Can’t Go Back Now”**

Jester didn’t understand people sometimes. She tried to, and the people she most cared about were clearly troubled by some things but she really didn’t understand why they might want to be anywhere else. This was the adventure of a lifetime and while she was worried about Yasha and she didn’t want to miss Traveler-con she also knew that this was exactly where she was meant to be at this moment.

They were doing what they needed to do. It wasn’t everything that they wanted and a lot of the time they were really badly hurt and needed rescuing, but that was what she and Caduceus were there for. Sometimes she still thought about Molly, but he wouldn’t have wanted to come on this path with them. She was fairly sure that he would have run by now. 

For the moment all she could see the Mighty Nein doing was going forward, taking it one step at a time and maybe finally making some allies and some friends. She liked Yussah, and she was glad that he would give them a reason to go back to Nicodranas more often, but they still needed more friends. She didn’t think that the Dynasty necessarily counted, especially with learning they’d been scryed on by them, but they were friendlier than the empire were, at least. 

They just needed more friends, and then maybe they would all be able to get to where they wanted to be, and maybe their souls would be healed along with their bodies. She hoped that her friends could see they were more than they thought they were.

And besides… they couldn’t change things now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where this is but I wrote it sometime around Reani so...

_ I heard that you've been _ _   
_ _ Having some trouble finding your place in the world. _ _   
_ _ I know how much that hurts, _ _   
_ _ But if you need a friend _ __   
_ Then please just say the word _ __   
- **All Time Low “Missing You”**

There was no way that he wasn’t going to be there for Jester if she wanted or needed his help. She was one of the very few bright spots on his very, very dark horizon. Caleb wasn't actually sure that he would have made it through these months without her. His thoughts on them being a person down had taken on further darker tangents in his mind. He'd pictured if it had been Jester or Nott who had been turned. Or really any of the others, but the two of them particularly.

He found it so hard to connect with people but Jester had worked her little blue horns into the walls that he often held himself behind. She was impossible to ignore and, inevitably, impossible to dislike. Caleb was so thankful that she had leant over to their table in Trostenwald all those months ago. He didn't want to imagine what his life would be like today if she hadn't. He would have never met the rest of the Nein and while his heart might be spared the pain of Yasha's situation, he would not have had her friendship to begin with. 

So while Jester was sad, he was going to be there for her, and he didn't want to let her think she was alone. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caduceus drabble! This is set while they were in Rexxentrum... during ep 90 so... if you aren't there yet be careful reading.

_ t's true, we both make sacrifices _ _   
_ _ There's proof, it came as no surprise _ _   
_ _ It boiled up as we always let it do _ __   
_ We made it through again _ __   
- **New Found Glory “Too Good To Be”**

There were only so many times he could feel like he’d failed. Leaving the grove had been the last resort, and honestly if Nila hadn’t offered to stay and watch over the temple there he probably would have hesitated even further. In the end he felt like he’d made the right decision to join the Mighty Nein, even if the last few months had been much more than he’d been expecting for it to be. 

Now he was sat in a park in Rexxentrum and the more he thought about it the more he realised that they were all making sacrifices now. Most of them weren’t necessarily acknowledging them, but they were there and Caduceus could see them. This fight pit, Yasha’s seeming decision to take a punishment that he didn’t think she deserved, Fjord’s valiant attempt to a much stronger opponent and Beau’s simple dominance despite her own reticence… He had seen it all. On top of that he was concerned about Caleb. The return to the town where he had spent most of his schooling, the clear discomfort around Trent Ikithon… it was clear that he was coping only marginally better than Yasha was.

The problem was that he had absolutely no idea how to help. Beau and Fjord he wasn’t worried about, not yet. Caleb and Yasha though… He was extremely concerned and he had to admit, knowing that Jester had also been concerned bolstered his own worry that maybe he was too sheltered and this was normal behaviour. 

No matter what, he was sure the Mighty Nein would survive. They’d make it through in the way that only they seemed to be able to do, but he was going to worry… and he would make sure they intervened if they needed too. All Caduceus could do was hope that it wouldn’t be needed. They had all already lost one friend, they couldn’t lose another.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beau after the thing in ep 89.

_ Some people fight, some people fall _ _   
_ _ Others pretend they don't care at all _ _   
_ _ If you wanna fight I'll stand right beside you _ _   
_ _ The day that you fall I'll be right behind you _ __   
_ To pick up the pieces _ __   
- **McFly “The Heart Never Lies”**

“That is kinda a concern to me.”

When did Beau last say those words and genuinely mean them. She recalled once saying them as a joke to Jester, not long after they first met back in Trostenwald, but this time she really meant it. 

Yasha was one of the most fiercely competitive people Beau had ever met. Silent about it, almost, but competitive and proud. She didn’t seem to enjoy losing. At least she hadn’t before she was taken by Obaan. 

Looking to where Jester and Caduceus were watching Yasha, with varying levels of worry on their face and Fjord’s clear concern too… They were going to have to do something about it.

Beau cared now. She would stand beside Yasha no matter what, and she’d be there if there was ever a time that Yasha fell again. They had been by her side and defended her even while she’d been being controlled by Obaan. They knew her and they trusted her. 

Never before had Beau thought she’d be able to help pick people up, yet here she was. 

It was a concern for the morning. But it was a concern. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently ep 89 really inspired me so here is another, this time from Nott's perspective

_ We've crossed the sea together _ _   
_ _ We've had our ups and downs _ _   
_ _ We've gone further than we've ever dreamed _ _   
_ _ From our county Galway home _ _   
_ _ If we're up on top tomorrow _ _   
_ _ Or if it all just ends _ _   
_ _ Never mind the strangers _ __   
_ 'Cos I'll always be your friend until the end _ __   
- **The Saw Doctors “Never Mind The Strangers”**

The hats were ridiculous. But they were one way that Nott could show her friends that she cared. Coming out of the fight pit they all seemed to be in… strange moods and she didn’t know why. Someone would tell her eventually but for now she was going to just think about how she could cheer them all up. 

Even when she’d still been a halfling… Nott had never had friends like these. These people had risked their lives with her. For her and her family, and they had been the ones who had seen through her to know her truth. It meant that she didn’t really care about the strange looks that she got from the people that walked by them. They didn’t matter.

They were doing everything that they could and Nott knew it could all end at any moment, but she’d have her friends with her, and that was all that mattered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yasha in/after 89.
> 
> I promise there is some good Widojest coming. I didn't realise I'd written so many of these random ones.

_ Making my way through the storm _ _  
_ _ This beating heart has never been so worn _ _  
_ _ Hanging roses around my neck _ __  
_ ‘Cause in this life we’ll never know what to expect _ __  
\-  **Lauren Marsh ”Dear Love”**

Yasha knew her friends were worried, it was really clear that they were worried but she wasn’t sure that they needed to be. This was just her way of trying to work out what it was she wanted now. She didn’t know what that was going to end up being, but she knew they would all be there for her, no matter what was going on.

She was so tired. She had been tired since before Obaan, she had been tired since before she’d met the Mighty Nein. She may have even been tired since before she’d met the carnival. But she just didn’t know any more if she’d ever not be tired and if she’d ever work out what she was doing and what was going to happen after this.

She was going to keep going though, even if she was getting knocked out to remind herself why she was going.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some Caleb content! After the conversation with Astrid in ep 89.

_ A decade's worth of damage done in unsaid words _ _   
_ _ We both know that's not what you deserved _ _   
_ _ There was always love, it was there but never spoken of _ _   
_ _ You held on when I was not enough _ __   
_ It's a shame, this has taken me so long to say _ __   
- **As It Is “Hey Rachel”**

Standing outside after speaking to Astrid, Caleb couldn’t believe what this all was now. It had been more than ten years since he had last stood in a room and spoke with her, and having been in a room with Eodwulf earlier… he suddenly realised how different their lives had been and, once upon a time, he would have thought that he was the one worse off. He didn’t think that anymore.

For ten years he had almost silently continued to love them both, despite the fact that he had been betrayed by the two of them. Ten years he had lost, ten years he didn’t remember, and in the year since he came out he really wasn’t sure that he could stop loving them.

Astrid had shown him that… he could. He didn’t miss them anymore. He didn’t know them anymore. They were so different now, and Astrid had clearly managed to hold on to what they were told, what they’d been taught, and now Caleb truly believed that Bren was dead. There was nothing left of him now.

It was only a shame it had taken him so long to realise that Caleb was better.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Fjord drabble, but I'm not sure where it is other than it's after Refjorged.

_ This is a calling out for truth _ _   
_ _ Even the tides are cruel _ _   
_ _ I hear your voice, I hear it all _ _   
_ _ I hear your comments pushing through _ _   
_ _ Will I make it to your room? _ __   
_ We'd buy a candlelight or two _ __   
- **With Confidence “Waterfall”**

What was the truth in this situation. He wasn't sure that he was at all aware anymore. There was so much for him to focus on and a lot of that was held-over from the amount of time that he spent beholden to Ukotoa. He wasn't really sure that he actually knew, even now, what it was that the Wildmother wanted from him. Caduceus seemed to have such a clear connection to her but Fjord didn't know any of that. This was all so new to him.

All along though something was helping him try and break from Ukotoa, he hadn't known what it was and there was a point in time where he'd even thought that it was Jester's Traveller for a time. Now he knew that all along it had been the Wildmother, but that didn't meant that he understood. 

He heard everything she said, but knowing what was meant… That was so much harder for him. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb, around ep 90/91

_ Gonna make a heart-throb out of me _ _   
_ _ Just a bit of minor surgery _ _   
_ _ These desperate times call for desperate measures _ _   
_ _ I'll give you something to cry about _ _   
_ _ Show some skin, and would be, caché _ __   
_ How could you let this get to desperate measures now? _ __   
- **Marianas Trench “Desperate Measures”**

He remembered all those things he’d thought the very first time he’d been brought to the Academy. He’d bought into all those things, all those people that had told him that he was so special, so powerful. He had truly believed that he was going to be there with his friends and they were going to become the most powerful mages on all of Exandria.

That hadn’t happened, and he’d swiftly learnt that this was all a lie. The people who had thought he was special had only thought that because they believed they could make him into a weapon. His inherent nature had worked against that and now they were here again. Now he didn’t believe anything about this place was special. It was just another seat of power.

Now he knew what special really was, it was Fjord and Nott, Beau and Caduceus, it was Jester… It was Caleb.

Bren hadn’t been special. He’d believed he was, but he hadn’t been. Everything that Caleb had done in the last two years, since the day he’d given that as his name when he threw it away to Nott in their first prison… That was special. This person he was now. 

He was ready to risk this life, and to lose it if that happened, but he knew now that he was doing it for the right reasons. They were going to stop a war, and that was the most special reason he had. Desperate and special were occasionally synonyms after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally we're into some good Widojest stuff. These are from 92 onwards.

_ So here's a tip for free _ _   
_ _ You better use it wisely _ _   
_ _ Scrap what I said last week _ __   
_ We'll talk when we're dead just ignore me _ __   
- **WSTR “Silly Me”**

“I’ll tell you later.”

Jester still didn’t know what it was that Caleb had wanted to tell her but it was becoming obvious that she was probably never going to find out again. It had now been weeks since he’d first said that and he still hadn’t told her and she wasn’t sure that she even wanted to know what he’d been thinking about.

She had tried to bring it up again but he’d said that it didn’t matter, and now she had the feeling that whatever it was he was embarrassed about it. Jester didn’t want for him to feel like he ever needed to be embarrassed around her but she guessed it wasn’t easy for him to say anything that he thought about.

Now it would just be nice if she could find time between attempts at dying to speak to him? But that didn’t seem like something they’d have until they were dead.

At least they could talk then.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb, during _THAT MOMENT_ in 92

_ I hope you're better off without me _ _   
_ _ In your bed and sleeping soundly _ _   
_ _ Dreaming in the arms of someone new _ _   
_ _ I hope you're better off without me _ _   
_ _ Bet you love the one you found _ _   
_ _ He's perfect for you, everything you need _ __   
_ I hope you're better without me _ __   
- **With Confidence “Paqurette (Without Me)”**

Had he been too forward? That was always his question nowadays wasn’t it? Whenever he did or thought or said anything in one particular area his mind immediately went to “Have I been too forward?” But Caleb didn’t think so. He didn’t think that Jester deserved too feel as sad and as pained as she did right now, and he hated that she seemed to feel like she didn’t fit in anywhere. She had done so much for him, things she didn’t even know she’d done, and he wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to repay her for those.

Watching her face as he recreated her spiritual guardians, the divine forces she called forth to protect those she loved, in his favoured colour pattern was something he would try and hold onto forever. The frown that had, almost instantly, turned into a beaming smile that made his heart skip. He watched as her hand went out to one of the illusions and smiled even brighter as it lit up her blue skin, illuminating it as if they were in the brightest sunlight, and memorised every second.

That momentary reverence of her meant that she caught him off guard with her hug. Caleb knew that Jester was a physically affectionate person. Ever since they met she’d been free with her way of cheering them all up. He still never knew how to react, his arms momentarily stiffening before settling on her back. In this moment there were so many things he wanted to whisper to her. Those things he didn’t think he’d be able to tell her at any other time, but he didn’t. He said not a thing.

When she pulled away he just smiled and watched her head to her and Beau’s room, leaving the spell up until she had closed the door and then just dropping it and still watching the door mournfully. One day, maybe, he would be brave enough to actually tell her the things that he was thinking about every time they spoke. But not yet. “What are you doing Widogast? You don’t have the time for this. There is a war happening.” He spoke quietly to himself, just telling himself off for the direction his thoughts were going.

He didn’t deserve any of that. Not yet. There hadn’t been enough redemption for it yet.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of hopeful future fic. Not going to lie about that.

_ I saw you in black and white _ _   
_ _ Bathed in the city light _ _   
_ _ Got lost in the glare _ __   
_ I couldn't see you there _ __   
**-Marianas Trench “Glimmer”**

_ “Caleb are you in love with me.” _

_ “Yes.” _

He had finally said it, and based on how she had carried on joking he was fairly sure he had said it quietly enough that she hadn’t heard it. This wasn’t the first time she’d asked him that question, she’d probably asked all of them that question at least once, but this was the first time he’d thought about answering her in any way other than a blush and a nod.

So he hadn’t expected to walk into his room, glad that Nott wasn’t with him, and find Jester sat on one of the beds clearly having waited for him. “Since when have you been in love with me, Caleb?” She was clearly expecting the answer, and he didn’t know if he was able to ever pin down a time but since she had covered for him in front of the group he felt like he at least owed her answer of some sort.

He staggered over to the bed himself and dropped onto it beside her. He had to go in now. He should have known that she would have heard his whispered confession and that she would want an explanation, so he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, thinking back to when he knew that he loved Jester. “There was this one moment and I just… looked over at you and realised that you were everything I wasn’t. I don’t remember exactly where it was but you were there and I got lost in the light all around you… I couldn’t see you but I saw all of you at that moment and I’d only ever felt that once before.”

“With Astrid?” She asked, and of course she would make that connection. She really did know absolutely everything about him and she had been able to overlook even his worst actions, as he had and would overlook any missteps that she would make. “I don’t want to make you think of her, Caleb. I’m not her. I’m not like her at all.”

“No you’re not, and that’s why I love you.” He said, saying the words that he had been so long refusing to even admit to himself that he felt. “I love you because you are not Astrid, you are the opposite of her. You are kind where she is cruel, you are selfless where she is strict. You are happy where she is disciplined. It is… refreshing, and you are the person that I have always needed to be around. I am not… expecting anything reciprocal, but you deserved to know now that I can tell you.”

“I’m glad you finally told me. But I already knew.” She smiled and then kissed his cheek before she went to stand up. “Come and join the rest of us again, the rest we can work out later.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yasha after episode 92. Thinking back on what could have been.

_ As reason clouds my eyes _ _   
_ _ With splendour fading _ _   
_ _ Illusions of the sunlight _ _   
_ _ A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting _ __   
_ With love gone for so long _ __   
- **Trading Yesterday “Shattered”**

Zuala’s face was the one that Yasha thought about most, but there had been so many options when it came to the deal she almost made. Zuala was the one she most wanted most but what of Molly, what of other friends she had lost over the years since she’d started. There was even a small part of her that thought about The Laughing Hand, he had been slain but it hadn’t really been his fault. That had been fleeting though.

It had all been fleeting. She never would have made that deal. They were there to save Nott, not to add another deal they would have to have forgiven one day. She didn’t want to add that burden to her friends.

That moment where she’d been considering it, the moment before reason and logic had returned to her… oh it had been magnificent. There had been so many possibilities and what if she’d been able to restore someone to their rightful place? It felt like that would have been worth any personal pain that came to her. That was the lie that she would have comforted herself with, but even that wouldn’t have lasted.

Instead she laid here, listening to the breathing of the rest of the Mighty Nein around her and hoping that Zuala could forgive her moment of weakness. That was all it had been. Zuala’s love had been a memory for so long now that, in truth, Yasha couldn’t actually imagine feeling it new again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame this one on my friend Lou and a meme I found on Facebook that reminded us Kiri doesn't know about Molly so... spoilers for that whole mess and this is a potential and hopeful and very sad future fic.

_ And if you were with me tonight _ _   
_ _ I'd sing to you just one more time _ _   
_ _ A song for a heart so big, _ __   
_ God wouldn't let it live _ __   
**-Jimmy Eat World “Hear You Me”**

Kiri didn’t have the words to express how sad she felt. Nobody had ever said anything that was sad enough so all she could do was tilt her head at Jester and hope that she understood. Jester had always been able to understand her better than the others. Even though Molly hadn’t always been nice to her, she hadn’t wanted anything bad to happen to him. “Would you like to go see him?”

“Can I please?” Kiri mimicked, remembering one of the things that she knew how to say. She looked to the people who had been caring for her and mimicked her mother. “I’ll be back soon, be good.” It wasn’t really a question or waiting for permission. She wanted to go and say goodbye to Molly and spend some more time with her friends.

She watched as the big new one spoke a few more times, she didn’t know who he was but he was very nice to her, he looked like he would be nice too. She didn’t have time to think though. She just curled up with Jester and Beau and shivered as she got comfortable. The deep sadness that she felt still something she couldn’t figure out how to express.

What was harder was when they stopped and Jester and Beau carried her to a mound of earth covered in flowers, where she saw Molly’s coat, still fluttering on a makeshift stick. She hopped over and stabbed at the ground before hopping back. “Don’t kill people, okay.” Kiri said solemnly and then started humming a song she’d learnt from her mother a long time ago. It felt sad, and to Kiri it felt appropriate. She didn’t know what else to do. This would have to be enough.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Yasha one, this time while she was under Obaan's control.

_ I need help I've gotten myself lost again _ _   
_ _ I can't do it on my own _ _   
_ _ I don't know what to do _ _   
_ _ Please don't go  _ _   
_ _ Just help me _ _   
_ _ I can't do this on my own _ _   
_ _ Stay, stay with me _ __   
- **Dream State “White Lies”**

Yasha was trying to fight the influence she was under but she was struggling. She couldn’t seem to sense the people who supported her the most but she was sure they’d be looking for her. At least. She hoped they’d be looking for her. She couldn’t imagine that they would give up on her despite what was going on.

She couldn’t fight Obaan off on her own though. She was trying but it wasn’t working. Yasha had thought that this was all over when she’d found the Nein and they’d started supporting her. The Storm Lord had been trying to prepare her. She knew that now given that he’d been sending her those dreams.

In the dreams she couldn’t break the shackles, either. As hard as she tried it didn’t work and still she was here, still trapped by this monster who was using her for his own ends. She needed the Storm Lord to stay right there with her, because she honestly wasn’t sure that she could make it on her own anymore. She needed his help.


	16. Some really good widojest content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY SOME REAL WIDOJEST CONTENT. I know there has been some but... this is something I needed to write. 
> 
> Spoilers through ep 94

**96:** _ Sometimes I can't help but say _ _  
_ _ I'm falling in love and it's scaring me _ _  
_ _ It came to me in a dream _ _  
_ _ Now all that's left is our empathy _ _  
_ _ But this is just the life I ordered _ _  
_ _ One step back and two steps forward _ _  
_ _ Sometimes I can't help but say _ __  
_ We're making history _ __  
- **State Champs “Around The World And Back”**

Jester had never really planned for her life to be the way that it was turning out. When she was younger she had somewhat always thought that she’d grow up in the Lavish Chateau and that she’d probably be married off to some rich noble who wouldn’t understand her but would find her charming and she’d have an easy night. Sharing a small dome with six other people, a raven and a weasel wasn’t at all on that menu when she’d been thinking about it. 

Even when she had, eventually, stepped away from the Chateau and come hunting a life where she didn’t have to hide from someone whom she had humiliated… she realised that this was actually the life that she’d probably really always wanted. Full of excitement and adventure and pure joy at being with people she had rapidly come to truly love, making history at every turn, helping potentially end a war… There was so much that she could be proud of and none of it was what she’d been expecting.

Still, Jester hadn’t known what falling in love was like. Much like her dreams of her future life, it wasn’t like what she’d always thought. When she was young she’d believed that she’d fall in love with a man and he’d fall in love with her the first time they saw each other. They’d sweep each other of their feet and have an awful lot of really hot sex in some unusual places with a mild, but not real, horror waiting for them.

Despite her initial crush on Fjord she knew now that he wasn’t in a position where that would be appropriate and he wasn’t really interested anyway. So then she’d thought that  _ that _ kind of love wasn’t something she should expect yet. Instead in her life she was regularly facing horrors that were anything but mild. She’d faced off with The Inevitable End, The Laughing Hand, Obaan The Punished, more than one dragon and she’d even managed to trick a hag… Sitting in the dome hoping that there would be no more spirits attacking them she looked at Caleb after assuring him she would have never used that spell on him and wondered… Why did she feel like she had to do that? Why did she feel like she needed to assure him that his emotions mattered to her. That she would have never pushed something like that on her friends.

She actually cared about Caleb a lot, she liked to watch him and check that he was okay. He was normally so sad but Jester saw through that. She knew how to cheer him up and how to make him laugh. He also saw through her, and he could tell when she was sad. Normally that scared her, it still did, but Caleb made her feel safe. He made her feel like she could be sad. Based on Veth and Yeza… maybe this was what falling in love was supposed to be.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Jester pre-stream.

_ Now don't lose your fight, kid, _ _   
_ _ It only takes a little push to pull on through, _ _   
_ _ With so much left to do, _ _   
_ _ You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you. _ __   
- **All Time Low “Missing You”**

“You will be fine, Jester.”

“But I’m all alone.” It was a plaintive wail, but it was all she had in her now. She’d never really been alone before.

“You’re never alone. I’m always near.” The green cloak of her best friend swept further into her view as he motioned along the rainy road ahead of her. “Go, search out a fortune… if you don’t you’ll be missing out on a great adventure.”

“Mama will miss me.” She tried not to sound scared, standing looking back at Nicodranas, just one last look before she made her way up the coast. It seemed the safest way to go. She didn’t think that she’d be able to get into the Empire right now. She didn’t want to say that she’d miss her mama too.

“You’ll come home again.” That same soft, steady voice that had been her guide as she grew up told her that, and she knew that it had to be the truth. She believed in him, and she knew that he would only want what was best for her, so now it was time for her to go.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I think this is from around ep 61 (much thanks to Bread on the WJ Discord server for answering my question while my laptop combusted trying to get the answer) and is just... Caleb's thinking while Jester spins.

**99:** _ You and I, we're like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky _ _   
_ _ With you, I'm alive _ _   
_ _ Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide _ _   
_ _ So stop time right here in the moonlight _ _   
_ _ 'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes _ __   
- **We The Kings - Sad Song**

Caleb had never seen anything so effortlessly beautiful in his life and it was something that he knew he was never, ever going to be able to say. Jester looked so thrilled with her new outfit, and Caleb was thrilled to be able to watch her so incredibly happy by something so small, so  _ normal _ . Jester was always good at that, and Caleb was so thrilled that he got to watch this up close so often.

Jester was very, very glad at working her way into your heart and it made Caleb feel warm thinking about their friendship, and his own complicated, forbidden feelings about her. Things that he’d never say but that he couldn’t help but think about. Jester had been the person who had made him realise that he was still alive, not just existing, not just surviving.

Now they were heroes to the Empire’s biggest enemy, and as they settled into their home, wore clothes that made them blend in more here, he could feel his heart swelling when he knew what she believed she was giving up and yet… she still just seemed so happy with something so small. Scenes like this healed his broken heart a little more each time, and he didn’t want to blink in case he missed something.

One day this would all end, but for this instant he was going to pretend time had stopped and indulge himself. It wouldn’t last, it never did, but he had now. That was enough.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb introspection

**100:** _ I believe there's more to life than all my problems _ _   
_ _ I just wanna fall in love before I'm dead _ _   
_ _ So I can make my parents proud _ _   
_ _ Hope my feet don't fail me now _ _   
_ _ Cause it's time for me to figure me out _ __   
- **The Summer Set “Figure Me Out”**

There was a time when Caleb had thought that serving the Empire was all that he would have ever needed to do to make his parents proud of him. His father had been a military man, and his mother had always been entirely supportive of that. Maybe that was part of why he should have thought harder about their supposed treachery? But it was far too late for that now. He couldn’t think about that, he just needed to focus on living up to what they would have wanted from him.

And that was that there was a world much bigger than his small problems, and somehow he had found himself in a group of people who were thrust into the intricacies of political and diplomatic matters. Things that he had never expected to be dealing with outside of being an enforcer, an assassin. Solving the problems were not something he’d ever imagined being involved in.

He needed to figure out which side of this he was on, he needed to walk forward into a destiny that he had never planned, and maybe that was part of what was happening here. He was embracing the choice and knew that the peace talks were going to be something that could bring about an end to the war, and was there any more befitting monument to his parents than that?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jester is sad in ep 94 so of course I had to write about it. I think it's 94 anyway.

**101:** _ We don't need the world right now _ _   
_ _ We got time to work it out _ _   
_ _ Hold on tight, I'll hold on too _ _   
_ _ Cause all I need is you _ _   
_ _ All I need is you _ __   
- **The Click Five “All I Need Is You”**

The Traveller was her oldest friend. He had been there when nobody else had been. Why he’d come to her she still didn’t know, and he hadn’t really answered the question, but he had and he was the reason that she was the person that she was now. Trallercon was going to be something that she wanted to make a success with her entire heart but now she knew what she knew… was she going to be able to.

It hurt that her friends hadn’t believed in her, that they’d been so sceptical of him when they often just accepted the word of Caduceus’ god. It hurt that, other than Caleb, they had laughed at her and treated her differently because The Traveller hadn’t been exactly what they expected. It hurt that Fjord had added “I suppose…” onto the sentence “I trust Jester.”

Maybe her thought all along was right. She didn’t need anyone else. She wasn’t sure if they really valued her as a person and now she wondered if she would just be happier with The Traveller all along. As long as she had him she could probably leave them behind. Especially since they didn’t seem to need her as much as she had thought she needed them. 

They had said they’d help, so maybe she’d wait and see. Maybe they’d all come around. But she was hurt, and she didn’t know what to do about it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Yasha thinking thoughts now.
> 
> Also sorry about the numbers at the start of the last few. I forgot to remove them before posting. It's for my own tracking so feel free to ignore.

_ Vindicated _ _   
_ _ I am selfish _ _   
_ _ I am wrong _ _   
_ _ I am right, I swear I'm right _ _   
_ _ Swear I knew it all along and _ _   
_ _ I am flawed _ _   
_ _ But I am cleaning up so well _ _   
_ _ I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself _ __   
- **Dashboard Confessional “Vindicated”**

Yasha didn’t know how to feel beyond being thrilled that she was right. That she had always known she was a good person. She was someone that needed to be helped, and sometimes she could be selfish, and she could do or say the wrong thing but she was sure of herself and now that Obaan was out of her head she could trust herself again.

Zuala had always told her that she was better than she let herself believe. It was one of the things about Zuala that Yasha had loved the most but now she was beginning to see that while Yasha had been right, Zuala had been too. She had deep flaws, the ones that Obaan had played on and preyed on, but Yasha knew that she was better than that, and now she had been saved.

She was vindicated, and she would live up to that from now on.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Jester/The Traveller thoughts. I love the dynamic of Jester and her god.

_ I told you I couldn't do this, _ _   
_ _ Gotta be alone with these thoughts, _ _   
_ _ Not for my heart but for my art, _ _   
_ _ A lonely cause _ _   
_ _ I'm done with just testing the nights that I want, _ _   
_ _ 'cause a taste is fine just for the night but I need more, _ __   
- **With Confidence “Understand”**

Jester knew that the Traveler was the best and unlike her friends seemed to think… she didn’t believe that she’d been tricked. She didn’t think there had ever really been a lie involved. Not really even one of omission because she could clearly do the kind of magic that she had only heard of coming from the Gods.

Now she knew how powerful she really was, and despite what her friends were saying that was still because of the Traveler. Even if he wasn’t a  _ God _ like the Wildmother he was still a god to her. A powerful being who she knew loved her so much. 

She knew this now though, and that meant she wanted to know more. She wanted to know everything about The Traveler, but she wasn’t sure that she would ever have the help she craved. Her friends just didn’t trust him, other than Caleb she wasn’t even sure any of them would be nice to him. So she would do it alone.

It wouldn’t be the first time.


	23. Chapter 23

_ You were talking to her _ _   
_ _ But messing with me _ _   
_ _ It's finally clear _ _   
_ _ You're blurring the lines _ __   
- **Hey Monday “How You Love Me Now”**

There was a point where Jester realised that her crush on Fjord was a fantasy, and it was during their foray onto the high seas. If his conversations, and more, with Avantika hadn’t been enough of a clue… the way he didn’t actually try and talk to her after the incident in the Happy Fun Ball was another sign that maybe he wanted her attention but had no inclination to return any of her feelings

Jester wasn’t upset anymore. She had been for the longest time, but now she knew that that kind of relationship wasn’t real. The one that she thought was what should happen. The more she thought about Nott and Yeza. The more she noticed couples in the streets of the places the Nein visited the more she knew that it wasn’t real. What she’d thought for her and Fjord wasn’t real.

If it was, he would have been interested in her from the start, or he would have actually told her more than he ever had. Now she just needed to learn how not to be disappointed by that. Then maybe she’d be ready to really fall in love.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some mild mentions of Caleb's past trauma.

_ From the scrapes and bruises _ _   
_ _ To the familiar abuses _ _   
_ _ I'll kick and scream but it never changed anything _ _   
_ _ I could spill my guts out _ _   
_ _ Wearing my best little girl pout _ _   
_ _ And I almost missed it _ _   
_ _ But nobody said that this was gonna be easy _ __   
- **Marianas Trench “Alibis”**

Caleb knew what was coming. This was a memory he couldn’t suppress, a nightmare he couldn’t escape. Trent Ikithon’s face came into the room and instantly Caleb was that 16 year old boy all over again. That child who thought he was so grown up, who truly thought that he was going to be able to protect the Empire from all it’s enemies. 

Those feelings were so familiar, the abuse that had been pushed on him for such a long time and his own mental beatings over the fact he could have ever been that stupid, or that he could have believed that those false memories of his parents could have been real. Why did he never question them? His father had been in the military, why would he have become a traitor? 

He wished more than anything that he could just tell the rest of the Nein. Beauregard and Nott knew, and Caleb hadn’t even wanted to tell them. He had done it because it was what Beau had demanded to allow him into the Cobalt Soul’s library in Zadash all those months ago. He knew that the rest of them deserved to know, too. But he wasn’t sure he could tell them. 

They would judge him far too harshly for what he could have or should have done, and he wasn’t strong enough for that.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole Caleb's reply to the question from someone on the widojest server (Elwyn/Kaeli potentially) because it was so perfect. If anyone knows who it was for sure tell me in the comments and I'll credit.
> 
> This is the longest ficlet in this collection at 498 words.

_ Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer _ _   
_ _ Do you know you're unlike any other? _ _   
_ _ You'll always be my thunder, and I said _ _   
_ _ Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors _ _   
_ _ I don't wanna ever love another _ _   
_ _ You'll always be my thunder _ _   
_ _ So bring on the rain _ _   
_ _ And bring on the thunder _ __   
**-Boys Like Girls “Thunder”**

Caleb was just watching Jester on the other side of the room. She seemed so much happier than she had been in a long time. Travelercon had been a great success, it seemed. At least from Jester’s point of view, and Caleb was so proud of everything that she’d done and how much he had managed to help her with. Caleb could feel Yasha watching him, and he wondered how much his friend was hoping that he would go and talk to their very happy blue friend.

He had had no plans to do so, but all of a sudden he realised… Yasha knew how he felt about Jester. Yasha knew that he was in love with her and as she wasn’t the most… observant member of their party he was sure most of the others would know too. Yasha wouldn’t have advised him the way she had if she hadn’t been pushing him, subtly, to approach Jester about his feelings.

Normally he wouldn’t even consider it. Jester Lavorre deserved someone so much better than him. She deserved someone who wasn’t as broken as he was but was that really his thing to decide for her. He was pretty sure that he needed to let her make her own decision and to do that he needed to tell her that he was even an option. He knew that she had had a crush on Fjord and he knew that Beau had had some thoughts but Caleb didn’t know Jester’s thoughts on anyone else, and that didn’t matter.

He got up and downed his drink and walked up to Jester, smiling as the music picked up again, tapping her on the shoulder knowing how he could find a way to bring this up again. “Jester, would you like to dance with me?” He could feel himself shaking as he waited on the answer but the moment she took his hand and allowed him to pull her in, he knew that he didn’t want to ever give this up. “Did you know you’re truly unlike anyone else on all of Exandria, Jester. You just helped your deity hide from his other followers.”

“I had a lot of help, Caleb.” She had that shy smile that she always got when he complimented her and he wasn’t sure if she was truly that bashful or if she was playing with him. He thought that it was probably the former, if he was honest. They danced another few moments and before he could phrase what he wanted to say Jester pulled slightly closer and whispered in his ear. “Are you secretly in love with me?”

“If I told you… it wouldn’t be a secret anymore would it.” He replied, hoping she would understand what he was saying without him having to say it. He froze and then felt Jester’s lips on his cheek. Maybe, just maybe, she had some feelings for him as well.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this immediately after Liam's "uselessly in love with Jester" comment on Talks. It's set in the days following Hupperdook, I think.

_ Days swiftly come and go. _ _   
_ _ I'm dreaming of her _ _   
_ _ She's seeing other guys _ _   
_ _ Emotions they stir _ _   
_ _ The sun is gone. _ _   
_ _ The nights are long _ _   
_ _ And I am left while the tears fall _ __   
**-The All-American Rejects “Swing, Swing”**

Caleb wasn’t sure if her could take anymore. His yearning was starting to overtake him and all of it was because of one person. Jester Lavorre. How could he have been this stupid. How could he have let her this far into his heart that it hurt him to think that she might be with someone else. That she might prefer someone else.

He had never been a jealous man. At least he hadn’t thought he was. Now he was learning that maybe he was jealous. Every time Jester looked at someone else with those wide, innocent eyes he had a red hot flash of anger combined with pain.

This wouldn’t do, not at all. He needed to try and stop this. He could not afford to be in love with Jester Lavorre. But he wasn’t sure he could avoid it either.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild trauma recovery mentions

_ It comes in waves, I close my eyes _ _   
_ _ Hold my breath and let it bury me _ _   
_ _ I'm not OK and it's not all right _ _   
_ _ Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again _ __   
**-Bring Me The Horizon “Drown”**

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to ignore the panic that was washing over her. ‘It’s not real, Jester. It’s Fjord’s demon. It won’t hurt you’. Maybe if she repeated that to herself enough she would stop the panic that was coursing through her veins at the mere thought of a baby blue dragon.

The last time she’d faced one she’d very nearly died. If it hadn’t been for Nott and Twiggy she would have died and she had been alone. At least, she’d thought she was alone. Caleb had spoken to her since, so had Beau but Fjord never had and she wasn’t sure he’d even known she was afraid until just now.

But she couldn’t talk to him. She wasn’t okay right now. She could feel her hands shaking. She could feel the bile in her throat. After a moment she felt a calloused, large hand on her arm and focused on that for a moment. Caleb always found a way to ground her when she panicked and she wasn’t even sure the others knew sometimes. She was very thankful for him in this moment, and she needed to let him know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so... Jester's taruma response to the dragon just really deserved more time. I love her my poor traumatised bab.


	28. Chapter 28

_ There's no bad blood between us _ _   
_ _ The worst of us is in the past _ _   
_ _ I'm finally moving forward _ _   
_ _ Just know I'll always have your back _ _   
_ _ Heard you're doing great _ _   
_ _ I'm in a better place _ _   
_ _ Now I don't want you and I don't need you anymore _ __   
**-The Summer Set “Missin’ You”**

Fjord watched as Jester sat with Caleb, the two of them laughing and joking in the way that people who loved each other but hadn’t said it would. Once upon a time Fjord thought he’d be jealous if Jester moved on and actually seemed to be truly interested in anyone else, but he wasn’t. If that wasn’t the sign that the two of them were better off as friends he didn’t know what was.

He wouldn’t have bet on Caleb, but they would all have to be blind to not have noticed the way that the two of them had come to rely on each other even more than the rest of the group. Not in a way that excluded anyone, but in a way that was obvious they were connected in a way the others weren’t.

It meant they were both moving forward. Fjord wanted to explore his new relationship to the Wildmother and everything that that meant. Jester was clearly doing great and being supported in her journey with the Traveler and all that came with it. They were both doing better and he couldn’t deny that he didn’t miss the flirting.

He didn’t miss Jester’s attentions. Now he was just glad to have her friendship. That was something that he could cherish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure Fjord would be this chill in canon but I need him to be in my head.


	29. Chapter 29

_ Let's make a mess _ _   
_ _ Steal a kiss in the moment _ _   
_ _ You and me _ _   
_ _ Everything that could be _ _   
_ _ Touch, don't go _ _   
_ __ Stay as long as you like **  
** **-Hey Monday “Obvious”**

Jester kissed Caleb. She hadn’t been expecting to do that but she couldn’t resist in the end. She’d never had a real kiss before, not that really counted anyway, so she pulled away quickly and smiled at him.

It was like he was frozen for a second, then his hand lifted to her cheek and he moved forwards to kiss her again, and Jester followed his lead, moving closer as she felt the rush of happiness that he hadn’t been lying about how he felt.

She didn’t know why she had thought that that was even possible, but she’d worried about it. This time, when Caleb pulled back, Jester just smiled and put her fingers to his lips.

There was so much mess this could make. Her mother, Trent Ikithon, everyone else who did not like the Mighty Nein… but she was willing to risk all that for Caleb.

Because she knew that he loved her, and she was pretty sure she felt the same. They would work it out.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An interlude for Yasha.

_ But looking to the ways at the ones before me _ _   
_ _ Looking for the path of the young and lonely _ _   
_ _ I don't want to hear about what to do _ _   
_ _ I don’t want to do it just to do it for you _ __   
- **Imagine Dragons “Zero”**

Yasha wasn’t sure where she was in her life or what she was supposed to be doing anymore. She was travelling with the Mighty Nein and she was sure that she was supposed to be with them. That they were the only people who knew about her sins and had accepted her. That was what she needed right now.

But was this truly her path? Was she only following this path because the people around her made her feel less alone. She wanted to help them but even now she wasn’t sure if that was really what she wanted or if that was just what she knew they needed, and so she wanted to do it for them.

Either way… she’d work it out soon and that would be useful. That would make sure she knew where she was going next.


	31. Chapter 31

_ I don't know how you feel yourself _ _   
_ _ But I'd rather hurt here than be happy somewhere else _ _   
_ _ No one will scar me like you do _ _   
_ _ But no one will ever be compared, compared to you _ __   
**-Marianas Trench “Only The Lonely Survive”**

There was nowhere else Caleb Widogast would ever want to be. Bren Ermendrud…? Who knew? Caleb didn’t but he was sure that his past life would not have wanted to be around these people. These people who made him feel like he was worth being alive. That it was worth him surviving. He would accept this life as it made him feel better about himself.

Maybe he didn’t deserve that, but he also recognised that eventually he would have to stop punishing himself. It wasn’t fair that he would encourage everyone else to move on from their pasts but not himself. Though he was probably going to need reminding of that.

He looked over his friends and he knew that they would remind him, especially Jester, they would never allow him to wallow much longer, and he was grateful for that. 


End file.
